SOADFans
Toxicity - suicide
rain - Feb 03, 2004 - 05:31 AM
Post subject: suicide
ever think about doing it? know someone who did it? its sad topic but maybe for those of you who feel suicidal can rant and we can help or something. I remember feeling suicidal a lot, sometimes still i do...but if you ever need a friend who understands i'm always here because i do know what its like. we're all family
†Repent† - Feb 03, 2004 - 04:56 PM
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I was gonna do it. Kim you remember, I stopped because of you and Jenn.
devilchick - Feb 03, 2004 - 06:21 PM
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I am suicidal, always been that way and always will be. There have been things going wrong in my life that had such an impact on me. I think I suffer from manic depression which means that I can feel happy for a while but can also feel like crap and disgusted for a long time. Lately I have been feeling so donw that with a look at an ordinairy object I started fantasizing about how I could kill myslef with it. I know I'm being very selfish here and I don't mean to hurt anyone in here because you all mean the world to me, but I don't think this will ever change......It's been in me ever since I was born....
Kimm - Feb 03, 2004 - 08:41 PM
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†Repent† wrote:
I was gonna do it. Kim you remember, I stopped because of you and Jenn.
Of course I remember that. How could I forget, it was terrible. The thought of losing you makes my stomach hurt.
Suicide is terrible, and depressing to talk about. I recently did a project in school about it. It was kinda wierd, having expearenced the pain of desireing no to live, not to wake up again... also expearenceing someone so close to you in such agony that they don't want to exsiste anymore.
I found it interesting that more man commit suicide than girls, even though girls attempt suicide more often.
rain - Feb 04, 2004 - 12:24 AM
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devilchick wrote:
I am suicidal, always been that way and always will be. There have been things going wrong in my life that had such an impact on me. I think I suffer from manic depression which means that I can feel happy for a while but can also feel like crap and disgusted for a long time. Lately I have been feeling so donw that with a look at an ordinairy object I started fantasizing about how I could kill myslef with it. I know I'm being very selfish here and I don't mean to hurt anyone in here because you all mean the world to me, but I don't think this will ever change......It's been in me ever since I was born....
You think you suffer from manic depression? i didn't know that there was a name for that. I always wondered if there was a name for mine because i don't feel depressed all the time, just like you franka. its weird though it seems to hit me over the head sometimes like a ton of bricks. There are just months i feel depressed and then 3 weeks of being okay, then i feel depressed. Its like a visious (sp?) circle.... I don't know what the hell it is and its sad cause i can't really mention it to any of my family, they'd die and take away everything that makes me happy but thinks makes me depressed probably. like system of a down. I don't know why i feel this way but i wonder maybe if i have something else like slight bipolar or something? i donno....but i donno how long this is going to last but i'm making people sick of this that donno what it is....
scarlott - Feb 04, 2004 - 01:46 AM
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everyone feels like suicide at one point or another. i had some bad things happen to me as a child and always felt depressed and suicidal.. and for you guys who are highschool years, god BLESS ya. what a horrific time. and they say its the best years??? they're all WRONG... LIARS... it gets so much better. and thats what sucks about suicide.. most people kill themselves before they are like 25 i think? and thats way too soon. life gets awesome after you're out of your mid 20's and can just live...
i've lost a few friends to suicide and thats a horrible way to go. makes you as the friend or family member feel like you deserve the same fate because you pushed someone into something like that. that might not be the case at all, but thats how it feels...
i have lived with depression since i can remember. i just figured i was punk and moody and a bad person and that was why i was so down all the time... then after i had my kids and things were great in my life, finished my degree and still felt the same shitty self hating thing inside i finally went to therapy.. and guess what.. I'M DEPRESSED... go figure huh? so i got some medication, and went to some therapy and talked about the things that were bugging me all these years and now i feel GOOD... and thats weird for me to say.. and weird to feel...
so if you are imagining suicide, even if you dont actually want to do it, but you cant keep your thoughts off of it, and you feel down, or really nutty and then really down, talk to someone either parents or at school and get yourself some help. i lived until i was 31 suffering like an idiot with a head i hated to be in and now i feel like i've wasted so much life on feeling shitty... its worth it to go and talk to someone and get medication if you need it.
and ignore people that say everyone is too medicated. some people need it, i know i did.. and i'm glad i made the decision to talk to someone....
if anyone wants to talk about this privately feel FREE to pm me or email me and i'll definitely respond... cuz i have no life and i'm a huge geek on the net all day long...
everyone take care...
TooL_FaN - Feb 04, 2004 - 05:08 AM
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I know what your going through Franka babe, as you know...just always keep in the back of your mind that there's always someone out there who can relate with you and your problems, and always someone that cares...like myself caring about you.
much love babe.
devilchick - Feb 04, 2004 - 11:55 AM
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I know there are a lot of people caring about me and stuff and they always wanna help me, but sometimes it's just hard to think positive when there are so many negative feelings inside of you. I'm trying to hold on for the ones who are supporting me so much mentally. Like a lot of people do and have done at this board. My parents know about my situation though and they decided to take me away from the internet, because they were afraid that I was talking to too much depressive people...they thought I was just someone who went along with the 'trend'. So it has taken alot of time before I could convince them that I was really depressed and needed help. I had to take some drastic measures to show them. Now I'm finally getting some help coming friday. Another therapist. They don't want me to see a doctor because they don't want me on anti- depressants (spell?) I have been unhappy all my life. Sure there were good moments as well, but mainly I haven't been so good. So I come on here and meet the most amazing people and than my parents tell me that I can't use the internet anymore. It only got worse from then. I became isolated and afraid of the world, maybe even a bit paranoia, but hey people think I'm weird anyway...
My advice to you Rain is never to let things you love get away from you. Those are the only things that are probably keeping you alive. Well at least for me it is. I wish I could tell you how long it's gonna last but I can't because eventually it's YOU who has to break the cicle. I know that now and I've been working on that for several years now. It might be shorter for you but I can't tell since I don't know your past.
To my sweetheart Adam: KNow that I'll always be there for you, and that I couldn't imagine a world without you, so please don't ever think of leaving me alone in this world. I couldn't take it. You know you can always talk to me or call me if you need me. You know how much I love you dear, never ever forget that babe.
Much love to all!
rain - Feb 04, 2004 - 04:32 PM
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I try not to let go of the things i love because they are whats keeping me alive. i almost did it last night. it just got worse last night and i was standing in my room for 3 hours staring at my beloved wrists with a knife in my hand.
just thinking about my life, and all things that pertain (wordsP?) i feel like shit this morning because i should have done it i keep thinking....i don't want help anymore...i want freedom...
coolsnow7 - Feb 04, 2004 - 09:27 PM
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never felt suicidal, so i have absolutely nothing to say about my own expieriences... all i know is that if you feel suicidal, i would listen to Dead Human Collection by Cannibal Corpse... its kinda like, u feel realy upset, but then u listen to it, and u still feel rly bad, but in a good way... it converts the depression to anger against all the stuff in hi-school that scarlotts talknig about... and i can imagine that can cause ppl to feel suicidal sometimes...
DontFeedPhil - Feb 05, 2004 - 04:00 AM
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I know that everyone once in their lives have considered suicide.. Myself encluded.. The good thing is im so scared of death, to bring it upon myself would be impossible.. or at least I hope it would be..
Freedom doesnt come from death.. It comes from life.. I get depressed often but since everyone seems to think im that happy go lucky lady. I have to keep that up.. There are so many nights when im alone that I just sit and think about all of the bullshit in my life.. Theres so much of it.. Its funny alot of times I just want to be left alone but then when I am I just wish someone would notice me.. It doesnt happen though.. It never has.. So I just go to sleep waiting to wake up and do it all over agian.. It feels like im stuck in a wheel that keeps spinning never stopping to let me off.. So there have been many times that Ive though just what if.. But that what if never happens..
I really wish I had some good advise to share with you rain, but since Im still trying to figure things out myself, I dont.. Just remember that just because you feel that your alone or noone cares, just remember you have us who care.. Just because were not near each other. Doesnt mean we cant care about you just as much as anyone else.. We love you, try to remember that..
coolsnow7 - Feb 05, 2004 - 04:44 AM
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o yea rain's thing lol...
k, first of all we all definetly care about you a LOT, and even besides that what makes you feel bad about your life? your definelty a wonderful person. what else matters? seriously. what on earth makes you feel suicidal about ur life?
devilchick - Feb 05, 2004 - 03:52 PM
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Oh Rain please don't do things like that! I've been there and it doesn't solve a thing trust me. One time this week I was really down like a special lady in here knows and I cut my wrist, just not all the way but enough to make it bleed pretty good. I didn't hit a vain though.....The morning after I woke up with such guilt and so many feelings of disgust. I was even worse than the night before, not to mention the pain I caused myself cutting my wrist.
I suggest you go look for help. Tomorrow I get a new therapist. I'm scared as hell, because I don't wanna show myself to others but I know this has to be done in order to get over this. I was afraid to tell my parents too but eventually I found out that they already suspected it. That I am depressed I mean. If you're not comfortable with telling your parents please try to trust someone of the board, someone who you think will understand you. But don't walk around with these feelings. I know you probably wanna do without people but you need people to save yourself. And please do because we can't miss you dear!
Keep your head up sweetheart!
rain - Feb 06, 2004 - 03:15 AM
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All of you are the sweetest things. i love all of you! maybe thats whats keeping me alive right now. You don't understand how good it feels to be loved by all of you. Thats all i ever wanted. i've always wanted to be loved by friends or people inwhich i consider friends. I've always been concidered my friends my best friends and even the people i know as friends and i am so sweet to them and do everything to be nice and they just use me like toilet paper. i know that day, the day that i was going to kill, i didn't want to do it but i knew that i had to, one last thing i did was turn on the radio to calm myself so i could do it and soad was on. Chop suey..."self-rightous suiside" and it caught my attention. i have also heard chop suey another time that really grabbed me but it wasn't my first. i stoped...now everyday i go to this site and nobody really understands it but it means a lot to me. Even though i don't know you guys very much i see you and talk to you and we all get along. it means so much to me. This site is my family... i can't turn to anyone else and tell people. Most everybody knows me as this person who is so happy-go-lucky person all the time who always trying to cheer others up and who are always dancing or skipping and singing "annoying" soad songs. but there are times when i can't act anymore. when i just need to take the mask off and cry. Its like a visious circle though. one moment i really am happy and the next i am the most sickened person. i donno what it is. i donno whats wrong with me. sometimes i think that they are self inflicted...i just don't know. What makes me suicidal? i can't explain it. sometimes little things through me off balance. once i was sitting in my room all happy and my little flower sitting on my shelf was whithering away and i cried and cried. my sister came in my room and told me it was dying. even then the stupidest things make me depressed. Sometimes knowing that i don't think i can have the courage to kill myself makes me even more suicidal. i want people to notice but then again i don't. I hate people here. people don't understand who i am. I'm a complete fake to them. they don't see me. maybe because i won't let them in deep. Even my poetry is somewhat a reflection of how i feel about things and i'll only show you guys them and not anyone else but even that i take a look at devilchick's or lady of thorns or jubu and it makes me want to burn my poetry all up and burn myself. i don't feel worthy. Its funny i feel sometimes that i am like serj when it comes to art and music. I feel very close to him. he is my role modle and when i can't express myself like he can or any of you can i just break down. I know that seems extrememly stupid. i'm sorry i'm on a rant right now but i can't help it. people here don't except me. the people who i identify with don't identify with me. you guys make me so happy you just don't know.. But sometimes its just like....its enough i can't take it. Right now, at this moment i'm not in my "depressed cycle" right now but i donno when it will hit. its like it hits me like a ton of bricks. sometimes i'm scared to be with people because they know me as happy then all of a sudden it hit me. Once i was at a friends house and we were cooking and my friend burnt herself and stepped on her cat from "excitement" and i ended up crying because the cat got stepped on and i just freaked out and went in the bathroom and sobbed for 4 hours and wanted to die. She had never seen that side of me but now she has and now she doesn't talk to me. You know what i think it is? i think its the fact that i don't let myself go and little things set me off. I guess it works like stress in a way if you don't settle down and you things just get to you and you explode. I'm fucking frustrated right now!!!! people are fucking supid! i hope they all burn in hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the people that piss me off that is! i'm so pissed off at myself sometimes that i scratch myself untill i bleed or pull my hair out. Sometimes i'll starve myself to prove a point! i get so upset i'll cry over nothing. i'm so frustrated. We live in a toxic city! i live a toxic life...I'M NOT A FUCKING THUG OR ANYTHING BUT I HAVE MY HARD TIMES TO GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!we all do. i hate it when something is wrong and my mom spots me she's all like lets throw you a fucking pitty party for poor rain! fuck them! She's not this generation. Do you think people in this generation know how we feel? i donno i guess a depressed person is a depressed person right? shit, fuck i donno right now. i don't want to be put on some fucking medication fucking anti-depressents i just want to die sometimes, even though i'm scared to die. i'm scared to die. yet i don't want to live. Perhaps i don't want to live my life. maybe i want to live somebody elses. Every body has there own goddamn excape plan but me! i can't excape right now! i think i'll kill myself tonight...then i'll be done! i don't have to worry about anything anymore. i'm stuck between ideas....i need somebody to cry on. i need somebody who understands what the hell i'm going through. Nobody can live my life. nobody has seen whats its like to look at MY veins with greed and anguish. i'm just a little person in this world. i'm tired of it all. The only people i can stand are daron, shavo, john and Serj and all you members here at soadfans, if i die before i see tomarrow i'll just be another sad story. i'll be another statistic, another example to seek help. Do people really care about other people?! WELL I WOULDN'T KNOW! don't do this! don't do that! we have to follow rules! we have to do this and that! why do we have to do anythign!@ its my fucking life! i want to do what i want to do and aint nobody gonna sit there especially the fucking government and tell me what to eat, when to shit, and who to love! i want to live in my own world with a few people i love and live forever in my own happy world. Why wars? why drugs? why suicide? why friends? why love? why hate? why religion? why drama? why pain? why why why!?!?! its all just elements to throw us all off and put is in a position/ a test rather. Are we good enough? What the hell kind of question is that?!!! are we good enough? what the hell, that religion can be a human joke. i hate our higher power runned world! if we only had nature...lived like adam and eve perhaps? i donno. i'm being selfish and i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry for being born sometimes....but then sometimes i'm greatful....greatful for what i ahve that others don't. i feel like i am one fucking ginny pig. ARnt' we all one fucking happy sack of ginny pigs!?!?!
the days repeat,
the tears continue,
the sorrow fades
like thirst for a desert oasis
i will die one day
with his intent
but maybe if i kill myself today
that will be my only power...the only power i have...deep inside me...
if fate came up to bite me on the ass,
it wouldn't be today
it only be years from now, when i finally figure things out
and life is sweet again.
just like old times
But what if its all a set up? they want me to die! why can't i know somebody to talk to?! i don't want the things i love to go away....i just want to be happy...i'm depressed now. you all may love me....but i wish we could hang out...i wish i could meet some people like you devil chick or you tina...
Everyone are zombies....
my friends don't care..they are too busy snorting cocaine. they are too busy fucking their little brains out, bitching that they don't have orgasmims. What about the meaning of life? what has this world come to? What has my world come to? have i lost all perspective of life? maybe i have found my perspective of life. maybe we are all lost....maybe we are all lost...
maybe i'm just lost.
great it hit me. i'm depressed right this moment....maybe i should just save you some greif and leave...
How is a theripist going to fix that? if i told him what i told you? fucking anti-depresents? doctors love to give people pills to fix things? what about emotional help? what about love? they always want to fix our brain chemistry to fix us. What if the answer was not us....what if it was the people around us?
Well, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to go all crazy like that. actually i feel better now then i did an hour ago. Rosie is here with me and i just want to let her know that i love her and thanks for being a true friend.
sorry for the abstract emotions i threw at you. maybe i'll just ....i donno..
i hope you can all look deep inside yourselves to see past this. i'm sorry for my emotions i threw at you. i needed to just rant. for those of you who don't know me all that well, i hope i didn't scare you.
I love you all...and i hope devilchick and tina and all of you feel better too. at least we know we arn't alone. it always feels good to know that "strange" emotions can be shared. knowing that somebody else has felt them too.
i love all of you....thanks for your support....
good-night
coolsnow7 - Feb 06, 2004 - 05:49 AM
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rain... i understand it now.
i have felt like that before. extremely recently. like, 2 months ago. the only thing is, i didnt want to kill myself. i wanted to kill others. not suicidal, homocidal. but thats my nature. yours is, unfortunately, a different case. but this is what your subconscious is telling you:
you are sick and tired of acting extremely happy go lucky. you might not be able to recognize it, but im almost positive its the case. like you said, it builds up. but you are a deep person. so when you let yourself go. then, when you come back to your depth, you hate yourself for acting so stupidly. then you want to ask "why? why do i have to go through all this pain? why cant i have my life the way it should be?" thats when you feel like your a puppet. then you want to end it all and be done with the pain. so then you want to kill yourself.
this is what you must do:
take control of your life. seriously. you are very lucky that of all the bands you could like, you like system of a down. system of a down happens to have fans who are politically aware, and therefore often "deep." there are more people like us. another thing to do; detacth yourself from your friends. this feels next to impossible to do. thats exactly how i felt (needless to say mine was a much less extreme case) but it is essential. like you said, they dont care about you. they are too selfish - "we drink from the river then we turn around and put up our walls" because they are selfish, they are in a mad grab for all the pleasure they can possibly get, as fast as they can. wether they are very nice on the outside or not, this is the case. you are wasting your potential by sticking around. if it means hiding in a hole for a period of time, its worth it. you need to take some time to think, to stay away from all of this - to meditate. you need to step away, think about what youre doing wrong, fix it, and then come back. if i were you what i would do is basically take a long vacation. it doesnt necessarily mean you have to go somewhere; spend, say, a month just going to work/school/whatever and coming home and thinking. i might be wrong. but if im wrong, i would be extremely surprised. and please, dont kill yourself. i would really feel badly if that happened; especially since if you did, we would have no idea. not a single person on this site would know. and thats aside from what everyone else is telling you, because they are right too. wether you feel like its the only solution or not, dont. its not worth it...
Kevin - Feb 06, 2004 - 07:23 AM
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Suicide is the weakest, most selfish thing a person can do. Take it from me, i've done it, succesfully.
Sure, hindsight is 20/20, and i got really lucky. I was clinically dead, I mean i look back at that and look at it as a second chance to live my life, like there's some reason that i didnt die completly. I dont think any of us are meant to kill ourselves, it's just something you have to try to remember. Sure, everyone has hard times, sometimes worse than others, but it's honestly nothing you cant handle. If you couldnt handle it, you wouldnt be alive. Deppression is sometimes all in the mind, you only think you're depressed, but in reality that's just how you usually feel, and you have to get used to it.
What people need to realize is that there isnt anything that's going to magically change how you feel, you have to stop dwelling on it and fight it. I'm borderline bi-polar, and it's as hard for me as it is for lots of people, but I dont complain, and I dont sulk all day feeling sorry for myself. I deny it, and that's the answer to depressions, deny it and fight it. Pills help, I used to be on different kinds, and they do make the fight easier, but in the end it's all up to you and what you can do. Talking is key, you should make people aware of how you feel, especially your family. The more you talk, the less it'll feel like you're taking all the burden on yourself. Find the things you love to do, and make them big parts of your life. If you like music, make sure you have it as much as possible, get involved with it. Just do what makes you happy, even if the happiness you get isnt as much as you want, it's better than being completly depressed.
There are plenty of ways to help yourself, its nowhere near as complicated as we sometimes think it is. People who allow themselves to accept the fact that they'll always be depressed or suicidal are simply giving in. This is seriously cliched nowadays, with the goth image glorifying suicide and depression, and It's sometimes hard to tell the difference between honest depressed people and people faking it for attention. I dont know any of you personally, so i cant judge you either way, but I seriously hope none of you does it for attention, and I think you should all think of how selfish it is to be depressed. I mean cmon, what right do we have to be depressed, when there are people out there who dont have homes, or food, or families? We need to stop being so self centered, and more focused on the whole and just how good we have it.
devilchick - Feb 06, 2004 - 12:00 PM
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Rain I can honestly say that I have felt that way many times before. I'm so glad you decided to talk about it with the people on this board. I'm convinced we can all help you in some way, allthough we are not face to face.
About the therapists: not every therapist wants you to be on painkillers or anti-depressants. My (new) therapist wants to solve my problem on an emotional level. My major problem is that I don't accept myself for who I am. I don't wanna trust people because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I think it's the same with you. If you can trust and heal yourself I'm sure you can tolerate other people around you. I know it's hard right now but please hold on. If it's not for someone you love than please do it for yourself. U will see that if you open up yourself (good) people will open up to you and you won't get hurt anymore.
You can even see it in here, you opened up to people on this board and you see that people respond to you without any intention to hurt you in any kind of way. I't s hard to accept that but if you just give it a shot you'll see that people that are good for you will cross your path.
I've crossed your path already and I can honestly say that I have no intention in harming you.
You also said you didn't have anyone to talk to that doesn't understands you.....
Well I can see for myself that you can realte to my situation and you say you feel the same. That's why I'm gonna offer you my help whenever you need it. Don't you ever hesitate in asking for it because I know how you feel and I know we can work something out. I wanna be there for you.
I hope you'll feel better too and I hope its gonna be fast.
Btw: your poems are great too don't doubt your own art. Everyone expresses his/her feelings in their own way. That doesn't make a poem worse or more beautiful than another one.....try to believe in yourself dear!
rain - Feb 06, 2004 - 09:44 PM
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thanks for the help. i kind of have rosie for support as well, she lives with me and helps me out as well. can i adopt you as a sister franka? thanks so much. i hope that everybody who is going threw this we can all help each other out and support each other. I know that whenever it hits me i go crazy (as you just saw) but it helps to know i have you all
†Repent† - Feb 07, 2004 - 01:59 AM
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Rain life is nothing unless you make it yours. Ignore stupid people, and embrace those open minded.
You can live without your problems, and were here to help you do it.
scarlott - Feb 07, 2004 - 02:11 AM
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and ACK i should also say that not everyone needs to be on medication, but for people who just can't get control of things it can help. Like i said before, i have so much going for me and should be happy but i have this complete rage in me and hate for everything that was totally eating me alive.. and SERIOUSLY by the time you're in your 30's its high time to lose the teen angst thing. for me medication was the best thing, and also a decision i made myself for myself... if you're under 18 you really can't do that and also you're changing every day so it might very well be something you can just grow out of.. i know compared to when i was in highschool, things are a BILLION times better for me...
ok so to keep myself from suicide when i was younger, i used guilt.. guilt works wonders on me. so i would say, who would miss me if i were gone, and i would picture my mom having a breakdown over me being dead and my little brother and would think of all my friends and maybe people who didnt even know me but saw me at school or something.. and now you have all the wonderful names on the net.. there are always so many people who would be completely devistated if you died.. so think of that...
and i agree with kevin, fight, fight as hard as you can, and think about the things that make you awesome.. i'm sure there are lots of things, write them down if you want to .. if that helps..
kevin, glad you didnt succeed... like i said before i love a few friends to suicide and i feel horrible about it to this day... i'd never wish that deep sadness of losing someone you love at such a young age on anyway...
keep in touch with us girlie... we're here for you
devilchick - Feb 07, 2004 - 09:47 AM
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Rain: of course you can adopt me as a sister, my own little sister does a lowsy job so I would be happy to have you as a sister. 
I just hope you will feel better soon because you're to precious to lose because of those feelings.....I'll be there for you dear.
coolsnow7 - Feb 08, 2004 - 02:23 AM
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how old is ur younger sister? unless theyr like married, theyr like endlessly selfish and dont do very much for u...
devilchick - Feb 08, 2004 - 10:14 AM
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My sister is 15 now...and indeed very selfish...
rain - Feb 08, 2004 - 07:19 PM
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i have a sister....i love her....but its hard for me to get along with her...she is very nice, but we are very different. Sometimes i feel that its my fault...which it probably is but i'm so caught up in my circle of emotions i can't seem to involve many people especially her. I was around her when i was feeling angry and upset and i told her i wanted to die, she is only eleven. I regret that. she probably doesn't believe that but i feel so guilty about my life...i need to fix my life before i have her really in it....
Is that a bad thing?
scarlott - Feb 08, 2004 - 08:33 PM
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thats not bad.. you're young enough and have enough problems that you SHOULD be most concerned with you.. and not sis. thats your mom and dad's job..
i feel REAL bad about the way i delt with my lil bro when i was a late teen. i used to drag him to parties, got completely loaded in front of him, would meet up with friends who would invite me somewhere and then ditch him for my friends.. i think he resented me a lot for that for a long time, but its just the two of us and we have always gotten along, and now we still get along well, call each other on the phone, get together every few weekends..
thats what i mean when i say it gets better with age.. when all you see if your parents bossing you around and teachers and school bossing you around and its like you feel things so fiercly but yet have no control, it seems that the only out is suicide.. but things change so fast, you'll freak out...
some days i STILL come home to my own house, with my own kids and my own cats and get giddy because i made it... i was actually able to do that on my own... and you guys will all be proud of that too someday...
hugs to ya again rain
rain - Feb 09, 2004 - 10:01 PM
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okay so i finally spoke to somebody about it....it made me feel better....but i wonder how long it will last...
Franka? have you gotten help yet? does it work?
DontFeedPhil - Feb 10, 2004 - 05:01 AM
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I have 3 brothers.. All my life Ive wanted a sister because I just wanted someone that I could talk to.. Share everything with.. I cant do that with my brothers.. They dont like me anyways.. Im not like them.. I was never involved in anything they do.. They never tried to involve me.. I would give anything to have a sister.. But It wont ever happen..
Im happy that you talked to someone about your problems rain.. If you want it to last it will last.. Being happy is something you need.. And I know it will last.. Dont let anyone try to bring you back down.. It all works out for the better...
And Scarlott im happy to hear that you've got what you want.. I cant wait till I figure out what im going to do.. Im hoping everything works out for me as well as it has for you..
coolsnow7 - Feb 10, 2004 - 05:40 AM
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rain, if u keep speaking about it, then it will last as long as you talk about it. if you stop now, youll fall back into the same pattern.
15...dude...and shes younger...dude...i feel your pain...
rain - Feb 10, 2004 - 06:05 AM
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i wrote this big ass poem about how a feel sometimes in my little circle. it totally made me feel better. i'm happy that i can get through things with my poetry....but i don't want all of it to be sad...well anywayz as soon as i put the finishing touches on it all put it up for everyone to see...hopefully it turns out the way i want it...
devilchick - Feb 10, 2004 - 09:05 AM
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my vicious circle isn't it? I read it and it was really good. I loved it my lil sis. Ehm about your question of getting help. I have some help now. He's a kind of therapist and he's really good. He shows me emotions I never felt or at least not for a long time. The downer however is that he is so busy that I have to wait very long before our next meeting. Well I'm very thankfull for the help I'm getting and he makes me feel ok so I guess I'm on my way of healing I hope.....
I put every little bit of trust vested in me into your situation rain. I know you are strong enough to get through this. And if you ever need your big sis don't hesitate to email or pm me ok? I was also very pleased to read that you trusted someone in your near surrounding, that you told someone about your feelings. You took the first step to healing my dear and I hope you
ll find your peace with him/her.......good luck on your way!
rain - Feb 10, 2004 - 10:11 PM
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Thanks, i havn't been sad since yesterday morning. Thats a big accomplishment....i think its the poetry....the only thing is i wish that i could show it to people i actually knew. I wouldn't know what to do if they felt different about me threw my writtings. i guess thats what makes it special to come here and share it and share it to myself i guess.
devilchick - Feb 11, 2004 - 05:51 AM
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this place is special just like the members in here. You don't get judged in here and that's the beauty of it.
DontFeedPhil - Feb 11, 2004 - 06:35 AM
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Rain I have this notebook that I decorated in Soad fashion.. I have all kinds of Soad Pictures on the front.. Ive made it into my System Vault.. Inside it has a copy of every writting that you guys have posted for us to read.. I enjoy bringing it out and reading it.. It helps me relax.. expecially when Ive had a bad day.. When I feel down.. They really make me feel good.. So your writtings can help people if you let them.. Sometimes its the littlest things that mean the most... Dont ever give up on your writtings.. They are beautiful..
devilchick - Feb 11, 2004 - 01:56 PM
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wow you have every poem made by members in here?
that's amazing! And a good idea as well!
rain - Feb 12, 2004 - 07:16 AM
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okay i'm feeling not as depressed but on a big guilt trip right now....my mother is sick i donno whats going on....i kind of feel like its my fault...i donnw what to do...i want her to be alright...i donno what i'd do if i'd lose her...i'd lose myself... man...i've been doing so well past few days, its about to start up again.......
tina, thats cool you have that...thats what i wanted to do to but i havn't started yet...i just like reading the poems over again...they remind me of serj's poetry....i love it...and i'm glad that my poetry makes people feel good, it makes me feel good. more than you'll ever know...
devilchick - Feb 12, 2004 - 08:51 AM
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wow you're comparing our peotry with serj's poetry? that's so cool and it's a great honour I think......well like is said in the rant section, don't jump to any conclusions yet and let her see a doctor if it gets worse....don't lose hope! I'm here for you if you need me! you lil sister you 
rain - Feb 13, 2004 - 12:40 AM
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Thanks big sis! Yes i am comparing your poetry with serj's. I love really deep poetry and something that sets me back i love. that goes for serj as well as yours... i enjoy great poetry thats deep and i'm sure all of you do too
DontFeedPhil - Feb 13, 2004 - 01:52 AM
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You guys have amazing poetry.. I think Serj would be proud of the poems you all write.. You guys have a talent for writting..
rain - Feb 13, 2004 - 02:28 AM
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what is it that i keep on lashing out at people that i love? i just snapped at my boyfried who was being sweet thing to me and i was such a bitch...my mother is sick, my grandmother is on the verge of a heartattack, her sister has cancer not going to live soon, her daughter is having serjery, my heart is in pain (literally....i feel sick) and my sister is sick. i'm not good with sick people..i freak out...i donno why i do that because i regret it later...one of these days he won't be able to take my random outbursts of guilt, depression or anger and break up with me. i don't want him too. sometimes i don't want a boyfriend because my mom doesn't want me too and i feel guilty for her but i really like him and ahh i'm so confused....right now....i'm getting sick again.....and since valentines day is this saturday i'm hurting....
†Repent† - Feb 13, 2004 - 03:24 AM
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nowadays I dont think about suicide. I just think about how my friends need to be happy more than I do.
coolsnow7 - Feb 13, 2004 - 03:53 AM
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tell him that. he would probably understand.
devilchick - Feb 13, 2004 - 08:42 AM
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I try not to thnk about suicide but sometimes I just can't help it...It makes me sad though knowing that so many people support me in here and I can't help feeling guilty.....
Kevin - Feb 13, 2004 - 09:55 PM
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Suicide is very selfish, even in thought. I dont see how some people can consider it, especially when in reality they have it better than many other people. We need to stop and think more, it's sad that we're such a self-important people sometimes.
devilchick - Feb 14, 2004 - 09:15 AM
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yeah well it's easier to say that suicide is selfish than actually not think about it and come one Kevin you have felt the same way too and this has to be your conclusion from what you've experienced, but give us the chance to get to see that too.....I'm really working hard on it...
Kevin - Feb 14, 2004 - 06:13 PM
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How hard is it to see? Sure i've felt that way, but cmon, it gets to a point where you have to grow up and realize your life is only as important as you make it, no one else is going to make things better.
i-shoot-my-load - Feb 14, 2004 - 08:46 PM
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have u ever tried to kill urself with a lit cigarette??!
Kevin - Feb 14, 2004 - 09:02 PM
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Nice triple post, n00b.
†Repent† - Feb 14, 2004 - 11:55 PM
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I think you should give it a shot bud!
rain - Feb 15, 2004 - 12:36 AM
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okay. so maybe its selfish. i'm sorry, but its more than just that. at least i think so. no i've never tried killing myself with a cigarrette whatever because i havn't had the opportunity but lately i'm thinking i should give it a shot and stop annoying everyone. i'm not worth living anymore for anyone and if you all think that suicide is a game, well its not. its not something we do for attention its something we feel for ourselves...and there are a lot more selfish people out there than suisidal people. like our fucking government...
i-shoot-my-load - Feb 15, 2004 - 01:53 AM
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sucide is all in ur head when u come up to the point when ur going to do it most people dont even want to cus they are justed pissed off like me taking a shit
†Repent† - Feb 15, 2004 - 04:40 AM
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Why end your life at an unhappy moment???
soad'sgirl - Feb 15, 2004 - 01:29 PM
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i was suicidal but soad saved me[not a joke]
and now i think that suicid is not going to help no one it will make things wores
i-shoot-my-load - Feb 15, 2004 - 03:42 PM
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soad saves eveyone
Kevin - Feb 15, 2004 - 04:03 PM
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i-shoot-my-load wrote:
soad saves eveyone
No they dont. Soad did nothing to "save" me, ever.
devilchick - Feb 15, 2004 - 07:13 PM
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neither did it to me....A number of staind saved me.....
coolsnow7 - Feb 15, 2004 - 07:46 PM
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my own arrogance saved me...
rain, didnt u say that u would die if ur mom died? well, woudl u appreciate it very much if she convinced herself that no one would miss her if she were gone, and then killed herself? reverse places...
Kevin - Feb 15, 2004 - 09:09 PM
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No one thinks of those things right away, that I believe is a flaw of all humans, we are by nature greedy and selfish. It takes a certain amount of dedication to care about someone other than yourself.
rain - Feb 15, 2004 - 11:03 PM
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†Repent† wrote:
Why end your life at an unhappy moment???
you don't just end your life at an unhappy "moment". its not like one day your feeling down and want to slit your own fucking wrists but when you have unhappy moments more like depression for years. years=one unhappy moment? i don't think so. you can only talk to so many people about your problems until they become annoyed (and i don't blame them) you can only do so many things until they think you do it for attention. you can do so many things until there is nothing left. the only thing that i have left is drugs (the "good"kind that doctors give you). and if i'm going to be on fucking anti depressents i'd rather be smoking pot and drinking. although drugs don't solve anything. i don't want to do it anymore. and drugs "wheater good or bad" don't solve anything. Antidepressents my ass! they want to change my brain chemistry? why? i want to be happy on my own not because my brain on "drugs" has told me to be happy. I'm all for it being natural and normal. i don't know if that made since to you all but whatever....
devilchick - Feb 21, 2004 - 11:07 AM
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I'm with rain on this one...I have been depressed ever since I was a child and I have xperienced many depressive or what you call 'unhappy' moments. I've been working on myself alot through all these years but the circle that needs to be broken is pretty big to me...I've got help for that but it doesn't make things easy.....I have seen alot of things that you don't even know about.....I only told one or two persons what happened to me when I was younger....It still is really hard to me....and if I ever get over it I doubt that but at least I'm trying. It's not like I have a bad night and tell myself: oh hmmm it's a nice night, let's kill myself.....It goes way deeper than that...at least it is with me...I'm working on things and I try not to be 'selfish' as some call it.....it just takes time and during that time I just have ups and sowns like everyone....
†Repent† - Feb 21, 2004 - 07:07 PM
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by moment I mean timespan. Those who have known me since before the portals know what I mean usually. I went through this too.
MissAnnThropy - Mar 03, 2004 - 10:27 PM
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I think I am suicidal at the moment, I can't focus on school or anything because it feels like my life is ending very soon.
There's nothing left to live for either. Yet I am worthless.
I'm on my way down.
†Repent† - Mar 04, 2004 - 02:59 AM
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to me it feels like if I killed myself, it would be giving way.
1. Kim would follow, and I would never want to kill Kim
2. others would miss me
3. I would be giving up, no matter what the problem is, how big it is, its still giving up if you kill yourself. Somepeople think its stupid to say your going to then not do it, but would you rather your friend vent, then kill themselves?
Kimm - Mar 06, 2004 - 09:53 PM
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Ben you have no idea how happy I am that your through that unhappy "timespan". I feel really proud that I'm keeping you going. I feel like I'm giving something back to you. You do so much for me.
I'm slow on this one, but here I go..
It's a very good point that suicide is selfish, but people don't realise it at the moment. All they see is thier own pain, and how much they want it to stop. It's a very sad thing that people would take thier own life. What people really need to do is make this suject more open, more people need to talk about it. I feel like most people think that talking about suicide is bad, or scary, but it needs to be discussed. People need to realise that it IS selfish, sad, and destructive. If not, when someone gets depressed, or has suicideal thoughts, they won't see the whole picture, and won't find help.
stinkfyst - Mar 06, 2004 - 09:58 PM
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I have always believed that the pain you recieve is the pain you inflict on yourself. Pain is temporary, always; it can always be healed or solved or corrected in some way.
Now, someone could say "Well, what if someone never got over losing their child who was killed?" or something to that extent. That is not anyones fault but the person who is in pain. There is help out there, and its their fault that they didnt seek it. Again, the pain you recieve is the pain you inflict.
Read up on transendentalism (sp?).... read some writings by Emerson and Thoreau. They are amazing at this kind of stuff.
rain - Mar 10, 2004 - 05:12 AM
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hince my self-inflicted disease. i'm depressed again.
Krackle - Mar 10, 2004 - 02:53 PM
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Hi, I haven't been paying attention to this thread till now, but here it goes...
"clinical" depression is something that can be awesomely difficult to control. Some say it can be done without the drugs.. well, maybe some for some people. I'm thanking God for Zoloft. I don't feel unreal, or weird, or like something else is controlling me, giving me fake emotions. I feel normal. I was out of control before I got the medication ( and before it started to work, takes a few weeks to kick in) I FEEL NORMAL. I am IN CONTROL. ((I can EAT, oh my God, I can EAT again. and I eat a lot, too. It SUCKS to lose weight because you can't eat and don't want to eat.)) When the same old feelings and situations come up that put me in the downward spiral, I can think it through, I can ask for help. I can realise that I'm bigger than the problem. I may still feel bad temporarily and even cry, but that's normal. Everyone goes through that to some extent.
Maybe rain and possibly franka just haven't found the right drug or dosage, yet. (there are several different chemicals for different people) My doctor was so very willing to work with me on finding the right thing. We just happened to get lucky with the first try. It does take a lot of mental strength to get out of the shits though. Just know that you're loved.
devilchick - Mar 11, 2004 - 08:56 AM
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rain wrote:
hince my self-inflicted disease. i'm depressed again.
please pm me or mail me when you feel this way.. I wanna help my sis!
lady_of_thorns - Mar 11, 2004 - 09:44 AM
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Clinical depression is a very real thing. I have been to psychiatrists in the past, at the ages of 11 and 14. They diagnosed me as being a very high candidate for something called 'Borderline Personality Disorder' , something I don't quite understand but I do know it is related to self-damaging behaviour and fits of deep depression. I think this characterises me well.
I thank the Gods they didn't put me on meds, for the simple reason that I need to be clear and fully functioning to deal with things. It's harder, but I can't bear the idea of being drugged up because I can't cope. If I have to slash my legs to ribbons in order to get through, then I will, because some day i'll be able to get through without harming myself or making myself sick or starving myself.
There is no shame on being on meds, because ultimately they're only helping you along. I'm a stubborn bitch and refuse any kind of meds. I have been suicidal and I have attempted to drown myself. And I know I can make it alone.
coolsnow7 - Mar 14, 2004 - 02:33 AM
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u kno, i heard from someone that they were on meds and its not like they even felt like they were on meds. in fact, if the doctors are right, its possible that theres a chemical imbalance in your body. the meds might just adjust that balance. i dont kno.
but anyway more important stuff: rosie fucking killed herself. personally im very sad, but ill leave that for the other thread. rain, do you know why? you said she left a note, would her parents let us find out what it said?
rain - Mar 14, 2004 - 08:50 PM
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Suicide is used to get back at friends sometimes...or the people that you love. Sometimes its just an expression. Maybe its to help kill the people you love....
coolsnow7 - Mar 15, 2004 - 02:33 AM
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i just expierienced depression...first time lol... but i dont get it. i could b mixed up, but i rly enjoyed being extremely sad over nothing. im probably mixed up though, or i had almost a lighter dose of it, cuz i was able to eat, sleep, function completely normally. did i?
†Repent† - Mar 16, 2004 - 02:29 AM
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I want to kill myself to prove to my friends never to forget their closest friends like they have.
Kevin - Mar 16, 2004 - 05:35 AM
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†Repent† wrote:
I want to kill myself to prove to my friends never to forget their closest friends like they have.
You frodo baggins looking motherfucker, dont do that. I love you.
devilchick - Mar 16, 2004 - 10:08 AM
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well I talked to my dad abot my self-damaging and about my suicidal attempts and shit and they're gonna get me to see a doctor now and I'm prolly gonne be doing meds as well, but I don't have an opion about that yet as I haven't really experienced it yet...
lady_of_thorns - Mar 17, 2004 - 10:09 AM
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don't be afraid of it dear, i'm glad you're getting a little help. I know you're strong, dear
devilchick - Mar 17, 2004 - 04:04 PM
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well I went to see her today and they are gonna do some research on me and see how serious my depression is...when they're done they will give me medication adjusted to the diagnose....So I'm gonna cross my fingers and fight!
Kevin - Mar 17, 2004 - 04:55 PM
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Medication should only help. It either helps or does nothing, so dont worry too much about that, think of it as a good thing!
devilchick - Mar 17, 2004 - 07:02 PM
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yeah I will but I think they're also gonna let me see a psychiatrist because of the emotional problems...so It'll be fine now...
Adelle - Mar 17, 2004 - 07:07 PM
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how happy you are that you can talk about that with others... when i told my best friend that I'd love to kill myself she couldn't stop laughing at me... if this is friendship just FUCK IT!
devilchick - Mar 18, 2004 - 11:50 AM
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I've been holding mymsuicidal feelings way too long to myself and you gotta tell someone who you think will remain calm with you. In my case it was my dad. After I heard about Rosie's death I just knew I had to tell someone because I couldn't trust myself anymore. My dad remained calm and that was the best thing that ever happened to me. If he had gone all emotional on me I don't think I would have been able to take that. But anyways, my school is informed now and they're giving me the space I need.
I was scared as hell to tell my dad but eventually it worked out just fine... find someone you can trust and tell because walking around with these feelings isn't right. It needs a way out.
coolsnow7 - Mar 19, 2004 - 01:46 AM
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Adelle wrote:
how happy you are that you can talk about that with others... when i told my best friend that I'd love to kill myself she couldn't stop laughing at me... if this is friendship just FUCK IT!
what a self-righteous arrogant cock!
Kevin - Mar 19, 2004 - 09:00 AM
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coolsnow7 wrote:
Adelle wrote:
how happy you are that you can talk about that with others... when i told my best friend that I'd love to kill myself she couldn't stop laughing at me... if this is friendship just FUCK IT!
what a self-righteous arrogant cock!
Ya know, sometimes that actually helps. I'm not saying you should do that to people, but if you do that to someone who's just faking their depression and grabbing for attention, it'll embarrass them, make them think twice about doing that shit.
lady_of_thorns - Mar 19, 2004 - 10:18 AM
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the fact that you spoke about it and allowed someone to burst through the self-imposed bubble of your depression fills me with a lot of positivity. The first step is to escape the isolation. From then on, you'll never have to fight alone
lady_of_thorns - Mar 19, 2004 - 10:20 AM
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Kevin wrote:
coolsnow7 wrote:
Adelle wrote:
how happy you are that you can talk about that with others... when i told my best friend that I'd love to kill myself she couldn't stop laughing at me... if this is friendship just FUCK IT!
what a self-righteous arrogant cock!
Ya know, sometimes that actually helps. I'm not saying you should do that to people, but if you do that to someone who's just faking their depression and grabbing for attention, it'll embarrass them, make them think twice about doing that shit.
this is true, on many levels. The only way you can distinguish between those who really have problems and hollow attention seekers is to be brutal. Not saying that every person who seems depressed deserves to be yelled at, but there's a frightening culture evolving around the fashionability of depression. It makes things hard for those really suffering, it makes them more afraid to come out and speak up because they're scared nobody will take them seriously. Which is why i despise anyone who would lie about being depressed.
rain - Mar 19, 2004 - 08:03 PM
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Isolation feeds it. It feeds you like addiction feeds your pain, next thing you know your watching the people dying and you feel it too. You want that isolation like you want freedom. Yet freedom is not a promise just a prayer. A hopeful fairytale.
thats my theory anyways. It does make it hard when people lie. Pretty soon everyone hears about so and so depressed, when they just want attention. I learn not to tell the people i love or tell the people i know here because they won't take me seriously. I've learned to be alone because it helps me cope, writing helps me. I"ve learned to shut up. It takes one person to ignore you or to give you a face or laugh and its over. I know i will never open up to anyone again, except for people here of course but i mean its something that i hold deep in myself. Its like my deep dark secret that i have to hide with a plastic smile.
Adelle - Mar 19, 2004 - 09:20 PM
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I have serious problems in my life... That's really hard for me and I was expected that she would help me... but she didn't... well maybe she thought like you people that I made it for attention... Why is it so hard to realise that I can really be depressed?! I smile every day friends always laugh at my jokes they say that I'm sociable and have a great sense of humour... but what do they really know abut me...?
coolsnow7 - Mar 19, 2004 - 10:20 PM
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lady_of_thorns wrote:
Kevin wrote:
coolsnow7 wrote:
Adelle wrote:
how happy you are that you can talk about that with others... when i told my best friend that I'd love to kill myself she couldn't stop laughing at me... if this is friendship just FUCK IT!
what a self-righteous arrogant cock!
Ya know, sometimes that actually helps. I'm not saying you should do that to people, but if you do that to someone who's just faking their depression and grabbing for attention, it'll embarrass them, make them think twice about doing that shit.
this is true, on many levels. The only way you can distinguish between those who really have problems and hollow attention seekers is to be brutal. Not saying that every person who seems depressed deserves to be yelled at, but there's a frightening culture evolving around the fashionability of depression. It makes things hard for those really suffering, it makes them more afraid to come out and speak up because they're scared nobody will take them seriously. Which is why i despise anyone who would lie about being depressed.
theres a big difference between being brutal and laughing. if the person is looking for attention, theyll say "no really, im depressed" theyll try to make it credible. if the person isnt joking, needless to say thats making their pain worse. i have a hard time believing that could help.
rain - Mar 19, 2004 - 11:35 PM
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Adelle wrote:
Why is it so hard to realise that I can really be depressed?! I smile every day friends always laugh at my jokes they say that I'm sociable and have a great sense of humour... but what do they really know abut me...?
I can relate to you completely. They don't really know me either. Are you purposly trying to be happy and sociable? Are you trying to hide the fact that your depressed? Are you scared about what will happen? All i know is that in order to be taken seriously or wanting to. You have to do something, say something so they will take you seriously. They won't believe you if your like fine and plasitc smile all the time and then out of the blue you say your depressed. You may be, but they won't believe it. They'll think your bullshitting. I know from experience, but i don't know about you so i should speak for you. We are hear to help you, at least some of us know how each other feels...to some point.
Adelle - Mar 19, 2004 - 11:48 PM
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The truth is that I'm not very happy with my depression (and who is?!) but they always thought about me like about a great person which you can laugh with (does this sentence make any sense...?) and maybe deeply inside I am that person but now the only feeling in my live is the feeling of being completely unwanted... when I'm not thinking much about my problems I am even able to be nice, to talk optimistic things and to make people believe that the are no problems for me... I try to look like that kind of person just to make them don't ask me what's happening to me... sorry again about my spelling mistakes and other mistakes too 
I don't really want their mercy
rain - Mar 20, 2004 - 12:06 AM
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Adelle wrote:
The truth is that I'm not very happy with my depression (and who is?!) but they always thought about me like about a great person which you can laugh with (does this sentence make any sense...?) and maybe deeply inside I am that person but now the only feeling in my live is the feeling of being completely unwanted...
I think there are different types of depression, but i' not an expert on it. I feel kind of weird, cause i'm not happy about my depression either but its more like i can't live without it. Its something i'm addicted to but i don't want it. Also i never feel unwanted as much its more like a feeling of lonliness in the fact that nobody see's what i see or feels how i feel.
Sweety i hope everything works out for you, i'm not sure how i can help you but listen to you with both my eyes...( i know that sounds weird...but we are on computer ...so, give me a break). Your not the only one and just know that if i ever figure this thing out i'll let you in on what to do. Some advice people have told me is to hold on tightly to the things that make you happy, TRUELY happy. Even if its unaproved of at home or its illegal whatever...you need to cling on...hold on...and don't go anywhere just yet. I want to help you but i have to help myself first. I know some things that get me threw this is
1. this site, because i relate to people more and i have true friends here
2. soad...need i explain?
3. music in general, music knows how i feel, i can relate, it doesn't harm me and i know there are songs out there that make me feel good mentally
4. poetry...i love deep poetry because i can relate to it or because it makes me feel good. I also write, its the only way i can express myself really and turns my negitive energy into posite, i can't talk to anyone here and in poetry i can say what i want and i know if my sister were to read it or mom they woudn't know any better because it can be about other stuff.
So yeah maybe if you sat down and wrote a list of the things that made you feel better hold on to that list and do or be with or whatever to the things that make you feel good. It may seem stupid because right now (sometimes this happends to me) you may feel like nothing cheers you up. Even if its slightly makes you happy (even if you don't smile).
Sorry i'm like really into the list, but this has saved me a couple of times...my big sister told me to hold on to the things i love.
If all else fails daydream of Daron Malakian or watch him live at concerts
zara - Mar 20, 2004 - 12:47 AM
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All your postings really touched me, and it´s so nice your helping each other.
This is a cruel world, fucking life. It´s so hard to find the way and the freedom for our souls.
I feel the same, i really really do and i feel with you.
I´m sorry for my bad english, i´m not from the U.S.
oh,I really need my dictionary.
scarlott - Mar 21, 2004 - 02:52 AM
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zara you're doing GREAT.. reading message boards will help your english very much.
adelle, thats exactly how depression is for some people. i was like that. i'm 32 years old and have been to therapy and my mother STILL doesnt "believe" that i have depression. but i'm in a better place now to take her comments and blow them off rather than dwell on it forever like i normally would. before i went to therapy and got medication i was the same, always funny, always smiling, because i didnt WANT people to know just how crappy it was to be inside my head.
and rain, omg what you said there is as if i wrote it myself. honestly HONESTLY i believed forever that if i didnt have my anger and depression i would turn into some ultra hippy geek wearing a pink sweater over my shoulders and running off for tennis meets at the country club. its SOOO not true. i actually find that my writing is BETTER now with out all the sadness and hate to cloud my mind, and i'm such a better person.
i should say also that i dont recommend taking medication, because especially when you're in your teens you're changing SOOO much sometimes once you reach your 20's it will just go and you'll find yourself. but that doesnt happen for everyone, i know it didnt for me. i've spent many years doing really dumb things trying to satisfy my head, and nothing worked until i went to therapy. you have to be open to it but it changes your life if you are.
keep trying guys, there is always an option, there's no reason to lose hope. i'm seriously living the life of my dreams, i have everything going for me in the world now... AND i'm finally in a place where i know that to be the case, and i dont just wonder why i hate everyone despite how good things are...
it all comes in time
Adelle - Mar 21, 2004 - 11:41 AM
Post subject:
thank you so much guys... I don't have much time to write because I think I should leave house for a while just go on a concert and try to be happy, there will be a band and I know it's members, and I spend the new year "party" with them loughing... I really like the band's name TOY which means "tomorrow or yesterday" beautiful, isn't it?
Thank you for backing me up, life is really difficult for me now... I'm trying not to lose my hope but it's always stronger than me... mt family says that in whole world there is no such a pessimistic person... only ME... well they are right
when I'll come back from that concert I promise I'll make this list:D
the first point will be daydreaming of Daron...
zara - Mar 22, 2004 - 12:40 AM
Post subject:
scarlott wrote:
zara you're doing GREAT.. reading message boards will help your english very much.
Thank you
rain - Mar 22, 2004 - 01:14 AM
Post subject:
You know though...i find that i love my writing to be very deep, and if its not deep i hate it. I find that my depression feeds it deep. I don't know.
I also find my self slowly killing myself to the point where i'm disapointing myself. I'm doing things that are agasn't what i believe in. I think i'm trying to find happiness....
lady_of_thorns - Mar 22, 2004 - 09:40 AM
Post subject:
Quote:
theres a big difference between being brutal and laughing. if the person is looking for attention, theyll say "no really, im depressed" theyll try to make it credible. if the person isnt joking, needless to say thats making their pain worse. i have a hard time believing that could help.
no, you'rte right, and I apologise for coming across any other way. Mockery in any form is neither going to dissuade a liar or help a suffering person, i guess the only way is to give the benifit of the doubt. I think i must have been in a shit mood that day, lol, i'm not usually that snappy! No, i agree with you totally. Be brutal within your bounds[/quote]
†Repent† - Apr 05, 2004 - 07:32 PM
Post subject:
Depression is bad! I was depressed for a while. I came pretty close to killing myself actually... it was later I realized how stupid it was, and that people just saw me as trying to get attention, which is one thing I care not about, atleast from them.
rain - Apr 05, 2004 - 08:54 PM
Post subject:
what did you think it was good? of course its bad.
i'm depressed and most likely it will stay that way until i get more help
i come close in my lil' vicious circles sometimes but not in a while. actually not in a long while...so hopefully things are getting better.
If people see you as trying to get attention and nothing more and they don't take you seriously its because A) they are used to bullshitters who do it for attention and they think your one of them or B) they don't care
I-Gatts-I - Apr 06, 2004 - 03:48 AM
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I think my brain has been depressed for so long and a while ago that it actually likes being depressed now.... so i don't know if that is good or bad but whenever i feel like shit my brain somehow amplifies it and starts thinking of related shit and i just smile and laugh at my sadnes........
I-Gatts-I - Apr 06, 2004 - 03:51 AM
Post subject:
Though i do feel if i try killing myself i'll wait until some crazy shit happens like they start the draft up again or some bull shit and just fire my ass in front of some tv thing i guess.......
I-Gatts-I - Apr 06, 2004 - 03:55 AM
Post subject:
I know i keep adding shit but o well........
Seems the only thing that has kept me alive this last fuckin 5 years is SOAD
so i guess i should hope they keep going as long as they can....
rain - Apr 06, 2004 - 04:15 AM
Post subject:
I-Gatts-I wrote:
I know i keep adding shit but o well........
Seems the only thing that has kept me alive this last fuckin 5 years is SOAD
so i guess i should hope they keep going as long as they can....
goddamn kid your scary...you realate to me too much. Although i don't laugh at my depression but soad believe it or not saved me from killing myself a while back. Everyone knows the story so i'm not going to repeat it but i always say to myself sometimes that i'll always have soad so i'll be okay although they won't last forever...althought their music hopefully will.
I hope you find help thats all i can say, if i say more i'm no more than a hypocrite and thats no good
Kevin - Apr 06, 2004 - 11:29 AM
Post subject:
I-Gatts-I wrote:
I know i keep adding shit but o well........
Seems the only thing that has kept me alive this last fuckin 5 years is SOAD
so i guess i should hope they keep going as long as they can....
I honestly hope you arent serious, because if a band is the only thing keeping you alive, you should REALLY take a good look at your life, and make some big changes.
I-Gatts-I - Apr 06, 2004 - 12:49 PM
Post subject:
Well once again i forgot something more important to me then any food/water/president could help with
i've been dating this girl for it seems almost a year now and i can't help but think of her as a goddess since it seems when i look at her she shines......i keep getting bad feelings like some freak is gonna do something to her for some reason......
i had dreams about this for like a week and since lots of times the small things turn out true maybe a big one will happen..........
i dunno maybe i'll figure this shit out later
rain - Apr 06, 2004 - 09:14 PM
Post subject:
it never goes away get used to it, the world will give you shit for it.
Kevin - Apr 07, 2004 - 05:50 AM
Post subject:
I-Gatts-I wrote:
Well once again i forgot something more important to me then any food/water/president could help with
i've been dating this girl for it seems almost a year now and i can't help but think of her as a goddess since it seems when i look at her she shines......i keep getting bad feelings like some freak is gonna do something to her for some reason......
i had dreams about this for like a week and since lots of times the small things turn out true maybe a big one will happen..........
i dunno maybe i'll figure this shit out later
That's something you'll have to learn to deal with, I have had the same problem in the past. Basically, all you can do is not think about it, keep busy. What does this have to do with suicide by the way? 
zara - Apr 07, 2004 - 01:08 PM
Post subject:
You are not dead until your soul is dead
for example i don´t know how to go on with my life. The fear kills me from day to day. I have pychic problems for years now. And i´m only 23. It´s not really the problem that i don´t have friend or anything like that. My heart is cold and my soul is broken. I had dreams, i wanted to achieve anything, but it´s didn´t work. I can´t tell you the whole story, and i don´t want to because i can´t explain it. I also have problems to earn my living and sometimes i don´t know how to pay my bills. I´m feeling like a stranger in this world. Damn society-you always have to be strong, keep smiling, bla bla...
But suicide is not the solution. You lose everything if you kill yourself. You lose your dreams, the music you love, your love ones. And you are hurting your friends and family. I mean i don´t want to die, i want to live. But i want to be happy, everybody wants to be happy. I know live can be beautiful, but i don´t know if it can be beautiful for me. But, yea what should i say??? The hope always dies at last
rain - Apr 07, 2004 - 10:25 PM
Post subject:
It gets to the point where it doesn't matter anymore, you just want to leave
†Repent† - Apr 07, 2004 - 11:05 PM
Post subject:
im there now but Im staying
devilchick - Apr 08, 2004 - 12:14 PM
Post subject:
it's hard to fight suicidal thoughts as I am in that kind of proces as well. It takes time, but I'm positive things will work out in the end. Remember how down I was a few months ago and how I see life now. It's still far from being positive and all but for the ones who are really depressed, find someone you believe in and find the help you deserve. Don't let yourself get down, because you THINK there's no one who can help you....I have proven differently. I told my parents and people who know me also knew that my relationship with my parents wasn't all that. But I told them and I'm getting the help I need now.
Talking really helps...Don't give up.
zara - Apr 08, 2004 - 09:55 PM
Post subject:
we should keep up our spirits, hopefully
Adelle - Apr 08, 2004 - 10:50 PM
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there are things makin' us feel better but... they're reserved for anybody alse, not me 
rain - Apr 08, 2004 - 11:05 PM
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they arn't reserved for me, thats for sure. Only sin makes me sort of happy and sane, all the beautiful things make me cry and want to die
rain - Apr 09, 2004 - 04:10 AM
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i think i'm going to kill myself, and thats no joke, i'm sick of everything, and i don't even have rosie anymore who truely understands. I have nothing anymore, nothing
Kevin - Apr 09, 2004 - 09:33 AM
Post subject:
rain wrote:
i think i'm going to kill myself, and thats no joke, i'm sick of everything, and i don't even have rosie anymore who truely understands. I have nothing anymore, nothing
You have life, and throwing that away is the most selfish thing you could ever do. These cries for attention will get you nowhere fast, trust me, in the end it's up to you to give your life some meaning. Everyone has it bad, you're no exception, and you dont deserve to be dead any more or less than anyone else. You will not kill yourself.
devilchick - Apr 09, 2004 - 10:58 AM
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Rain come on girl! I have seen several messages like this and I really think it's time for you to get some help or make your life change yourself. Trust me telling people about this REALLY helps. You know how I used to talk and look at me now! I'm way better than before. Really girl, you're still young and have a whole life in front of you. Don't lose hope. But most of all, don't lose yourself ok?
Hang in there...I know you're strong.
zara - Apr 09, 2004 - 05:32 PM
Post subject:
Your´re since all unique. Don´t forget that. Don´t do anything silly,ok?.
I have no time now, i go on vacation for one week. I wish you nice easter, and take care.
rain - May 13, 2004 - 06:05 PM
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I've decided, i won't commit suicide my mother will end up giving me a heartattack.
ZAk - May 14, 2004 - 12:17 AM
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see ? thats why there's no reason to kill your self , believe me there's lots of things in this world would make you die , excatly like your mom !!
rain - May 14, 2004 - 02:28 AM
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, exactly.
†Repent† - May 14, 2004 - 02:54 AM
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Do you want to die before you get to see true happiness?
devilchick - May 18, 2004 - 11:57 AM
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I know there's happiness in the world! I'm experiencing that right now with my bf and all. Really if someone just opens their eyes you'll see a whole different world out there....There are ALWAYS people that love you and forgetting that is the most selfish thing in the world. I felt that way as well and gosh I felt so guilty for forgetting that I AM loved. Talking to people really helped me out and trust me I'm not an easy talker.....I hid my depression for 10 years....but eventually I couldn't take things anymore....My example shows there's hope for everyone....I've been through alot of things and I know there are people who experienced the same, but there's ALWAYS hope no matter how down you feel.....
darcy - Dec 10, 2005 - 04:35 PM
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i did try to kill myself long time ago when i was a teenager, my mom was always in drugs and alcohol, (well she still is ) so she used to embarrased me at shcool, or in front of any of my friends, one week she spent it pushing me, throwing things to me, saying she wanted me dead, that i was making her misserable, so i decided to make my mother happy... i grabed this csisors and went to the bathroom i cutted my hand, my right one, i was bleeding and trying to cut the other one when she came in, she took me out and put clothes on my hand, she appologized and said i was her reason for living she said many shit and i believed that and them she went out for more drugs.
i still have the scar in my hand, is almost gone, i dont want to kill myself anymore, and my mom is the most misserabel person in this world.
Eveliendevlieger - Aug 08, 2006 - 08:36 PM
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I'm VERY glad (after reading your stories)I never wanted to kill myself. Therefore I love (my) Life too much. My cousin killed himself not too long ago. He just turned 30 and his girlfriend left him. I didn't knew what posessed him. I still don't know for sure but I can only guess that there was nothing left for him exept death. Although it was something I'd never expected from him.But I noticed that many people have little understanding for suicide because they don't know how it feels.Like my family, they where all mad at that girl who left my cousin; they were together for over 15 years.They where all in pain ,and still are but they couldn't understand.Neither can I.
Vicinity.of.Obscurity - Aug 08, 2006 - 08:48 PM
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Well, I haven't very often, but sometimes you just want it to end. I don't like to think that way, but sometimes you can't help it. I wouldn't sacrifice my life because I know good things come to those who wait. I also am too much of a coward . I think I know why I sometimes feel so depressed. I don't tell people what's bothering me. For example, if one of my best friends did something to make me extremely upset, I would never tell them, because it might make them upset. I like to see people happy, even if it means me being miserable. Whenever it feels like I'm responsible for someone's pain, it's just the worst feeling in the world to me. I'd much rather my friends and family be happy than me being happy and them being miserable. That's my outlook on it.
leilaerkani - Aug 08, 2006 - 10:20 PM
Post subject:
edited
Hoffness - Aug 08, 2006 - 11:10 PM
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I've actually thought about suicide most of my life, and I attempted once when I was 15. However, even though I still deal with a lot of problems, I don't consider suicide anymore because, after all, what does it accomplish?
vicinity. - Aug 08, 2006 - 11:47 PM
Post subject:
leilaerkani wrote:
When I was 14 I decided to die. I felt half-dead already, because of some things that had happened. I could never slit my wrists or cut myself and we didn't have poison or a gun or anything at home, I don't think I could have done it anyway, I couldn't have made myself end my life. So I just stopped eating, because I was determined to die. I totally alienated myself from my friends and quit school, because I couldn't go anymore. After a few months I had lost 40 pounds and i was exercsing 24/7. Starvation mentality made me forget about everything that had happened. My parents noticed, but they both had full-time jobs, etc, etc. They tried to take me to the hospital, where I was put in with all these other anorexic girls, but for me it wasn't because I was afraid of being fat, because I've never been overweight, but I just wanted to die. I wouldn't eat, and I wouldn't do what the staff told me to. I would have rather died than remember again, I didn't care what they did to me as long as I didn't eat a thing and continued dying. So eventually they discharged me because treatment wasn't doing me any good, but abt two weeks later I got pneumonia from weakened immune response and my parents took me to a different hospital. Initially they hospitalized me for pneumonia, but it soon became apparent to them that I had anorexia and they told me that they were taking me to the teen psych ward. I said I wouldn't go and I started to run towards the elevator, and I pushed the "down" button. The nurse called security, and about six guys ran towards me and threw me down like a 250-lb inmate. i was 85 lbs and i had pneumonia. They twisted my arm behind my back and strapped me to a board, because I was struggling. I kept trying to insanely negotiate with them, if you let my arm, I promise I won't try to get away, because it hurt so damn much. They took me through hallways to the teen psych ward. I was crying my head off and I begged my mom not to leave me, she was talking to the dr., and I was hysterical, so a staff member took me forcibly into another room and my mom left. Then they made me strip to make sure I didn't have anything on me, i kept screaming that I wanted to see the dr, i needed to tell him that treatment didn't do me any good, but they told me he had left, and they put me in a room and shut the door and I literally screamed and cried myself to sleep. I was in there for almost two months. They told me they were going to put a tube down my throat if I didn't eat, so I forced myself to eat because I thought at least then I could control what was going on a little bit more. Every time I did something they didn't want me to do, like stand up for example (i wasn't allowed to "exercise"), they made me write an essay and if it didn't say what they wanted it to they would interrogate me. I was in with schizophrenic kids, & bi-polar & chemical dependancy, and I'm not actually sure what else, I was only one of two patients in the ward with an eating disorder. They were always giving those kids meds in dixie cups, sometimes like 7 pills at a time, it was disturbing. Anyway, soon I learned that if I was ever going to get out of there I had to play by all of their rules, regardless of whether it was actually going to help me or not. So the second month I made a lot of progress and eventually they discharged me.
Anyway, that was my one suicide attempt. The whole process, including recovery, lasted about a year. And I didn't even begin to recover, want to live, until I started a relationship with someone who loved me. Their sincere love healed me more than any therapy could, love heals, and that's what made me want to live again, and love the world, it was a long process, but I'm still alive, and I'm so glad I am.
I'm glad ur alive to
I've acctually never thought about suicide .. what can I say .. I'm a chippy person with great support But I've had friends who have .. not to long ago my friend who had been struggling his whole life desided he wanted to die. So he took like 30-40 pills (sleeping pills i think ..) ... five minutes later he realized he didn't want to do this .. so he called me and my friends and asked us to help him. We called an ambulance for him and said he'd done it by misreading the label .. of course they knew that wasn't true. Well now, 3 months later he's acctually happy. He realized how much life is to appreciate.
Then I've had friends who've tried to kill themselves to get attention .. fortunately that ended well .. could've been bad.
serjsgirl4ever - Aug 09, 2006 - 12:35 AM
Post subject:
i never had suicidal thoughts myself, but my best friend has dealt with it a lot. thankfully she never did anything real serious about it. when i was in a therapy group for anxiety and depression, i met a girl who was suicidal. we tried, the therapists tried, and about a week after i was released from the program i saw her name in the obituaries. heard she went to her parents' house and shot herself. i just don't understand, i guess. i've been low, but never wanted to end my life. 
JJ_Starscream - Aug 09, 2006 - 12:43 AM
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I'm pretty sure everyone considers suicide once or twice in their lives.
I can't lie and say I've never thought about it. I mean, since the day I started 3rd grade, I've had people making fun of me because of my wight issues. My self-esteem has been graded down to way below it should have ever gone. I haven't gelt highly of myself since I was 10. I don't think I ever will again. I know other people feel the way I do. I know I'm not the only fat kid who got teased, but it still hurts.
Then I thought about my family. My parents don't deserve all the horrible feelings I know they would feel if I were to kill myself. My friends don't deserve that either. I love them to death, and they don't deserve to be faced with burying me.
You don't have to listen to my sap story if you don't want, just remember: Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.
leilaerkani - Aug 09, 2006 - 01:05 AM
Post subject:
JJ_Starscream wrote:
Then I thought about my family. My parents don't deserve all the horrible feelings I know they would feel if I were to kill myself. My friends don't deserve that either. I love them to death, and they don't deserve to be faced with burying me.
I know what you mean JJ_Starscream...I only started to think abt my family after I had done a lot of damage, & i finally realized how much i'd hurt them, & effected the whole family with all of my drama. & ur right Kevin, what you said abt suicide being selfish. i hadn't thought abt how it would effect anyone else really, I was just really desperate I guess. It really hurt a lot of ppl, including my old friends I wasn't seeing anymore, who heard abt it.
^^thnx vicinity. i hope ur friend who took all of those pills continues to be ok!
mezmerizer88 - Aug 09, 2006 - 04:38 AM
Post subject:
i don't listen to the people who wants to hurt my feelings.... i'm just enjoying my life...
i never think about suicides... and to those people who thinks about these are
abnormal... and that's all i can say... <-- this is my OPINION...
serjsgirl4ever - Aug 10, 2006 - 12:54 AM
Post subject:
leilaerkani wrote:
It really hurt a lot of ppl, including my old friends I wasn't seeing anymore, who heard abt it.
yeah, the girl i knew who comitted suicide, i heard from all these people, some who used to be friends and lost touch, some who just went to school with her, and they were all so upset, mostly because they are left feeling that if only they'd been in touch with her, maybe they could have helped. 
~*[claire]*~ - Aug 10, 2006 - 01:00 AM
Post subject:
i tried to kill myself twice, once with painkillers, and second trying to slit my wrists. why, you need not know.
Krackle - Aug 10, 2006 - 04:08 PM
Post subject: leilaerkani
Thank you so much for telling your story. You are right. Love is what heals. I'm glad you're here. (I'm hardly ever here at SOADfans anymore, but it's a good place)
darongirl15 - Aug 10, 2006 - 04:33 PM
Post subject: RE: leilaerkani
I have gone through alot of times of wanting to kill myself..i just havent the nervs :S
vicinity. - Aug 10, 2006 - 09:31 PM
Post subject: RE: leilaerkani
hunsy u really shouldnt .. nothing good comes of it :/
ks856185 - Aug 11, 2006 - 12:01 AM
Post subject: RE: leilaerkani
I think about suiside but i also think about if i
kill my self there would be nothing left. 
System.junkie - Aug 11, 2006 - 02:56 AM
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haha I've tried. I still feel suicidal sometimes. My Mom actually said to me once "I hate your negative attitude. Change it now". I can't help it though because I have suuuucchh a negavite attitude and always will. But my view used to be so bad about everything so I started cutting and stuff. But now I still have bad views but instead of cutting I rant and bitch and get mad and I've beaten people and things up. But that is better than suicide I think. I have stopped hurting other people though lol. But I have had the occasion...
4thofJuly - Aug 12, 2006 - 05:46 AM
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ironically i've asked some one to do me in before but I took matters into my own hands I had a loaded gun to my head a couple of times during my younger years (im 17 now), I tried to drown myself a couple of times before, I don't know why but I stayed away from cutting.... that just freaks me out really badly and i've also tried to freeze myself (too much detail might disturb some people) lately I haven't thought about suicide but that could change .... I don't know what the future holds 
Make_A_Fist - Aug 12, 2006 - 05:49 AM
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I feel like it RIGHT NOW, but that's a separate issue. I know I won't because I know I'm overreacting and because I know that its just too selfish.
Stick - Aug 12, 2006 - 10:46 AM
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I cut my wirst once because I wnated to die, I was really unhappy with my life. I didn't have the guts to kill myself though and I'am now greatful to live knowing that I will eventually find what I'm looking for.
I-luv-shavo - Sep 09, 2006 - 05:22 PM
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i slit my wrist before and i've thought about suicide alot but can't go through with it, i do cut myself.....i guess im just not happy with my life, it sux but i try to deal with it
Vicinity.of.Obscurity - Sep 09, 2006 - 05:45 PM
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Well, I've had a suicidal thought or two, but not very often. Lately I've been thinking more negatively. I don't want to do any harm to my body, but it's hard, because I feel so upset...and alone...and stuff like that. But I know that there is NO way I am going to harm my body. When I feel depressed...I write poetry. Maybe I should write something today...I dunno...
Marissa!is!EMO - Sep 09, 2006 - 05:51 PM
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Everybody gets deppressed and everybody gets suicidal it's just natural to feel like you want to die somedays. I would feel like that a lot some days and then later i would think i was just being stupid.
_SOAD_fan - Sep 10, 2006 - 09:22 AM
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I have tought suicide many times...Becourse I am tired. I'v been allmoust year despressed now. sometimes I feel better tought , but sometimes I just want to die. I had some pills for that but they didn't help.Now I'm little better. My cousin commided suicide when he was sixteen.
vicinity. - Sep 10, 2006 - 03:30 PM
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I cant say I know how any of you feel. I've NEVER had any kind of suicidal thoughts. I dont think its healthy. I mean I've thought about suicide in general, but i've never thought of killing myself.
4thofJuly - Sep 10, 2006 - 04:18 PM
Post subject:
vicinity. wrote:
I cant say I know how any of you feel. I've NEVER had any kind of suicidal thoughts. I dont think its healthy. I mean I've thought about suicide in general, but i've never thought of killing myself.
it's not a good feeling at all and you look at everything at different viewpoint
vicinity. - Sep 10, 2006 - 08:28 PM
Post subject:
4thofJuly wrote:
vicinity. wrote:
I cant say I know how any of you feel. I've NEVER had any kind of suicidal thoughts. I dont think its healthy. I mean I've thought about suicide in general, but i've never thought of killing myself.
it's not a good feeling at all and you look at everything at different viewpoint
mm i really do understand that it is a completely different viewpoint and Im very grateful that i've never been there. But I dont judge anyone for wanting to commit suicide unlike other people who've never been in that place and just say "oh just stop whining..". It makes me sad but people do think like that.
Serj_Malakian - Sep 11, 2006 - 04:50 AM
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I never had thought about commiting suicide but I have talked alot of people out of it
fattpplrunfast - Oct 31, 2006 - 06:43 AM
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theres no point in commiting suicide. if i wanted to commit suicide, it would be for a VERY good reason. if i was a homeless on the streets with no money, no clothes, filithy, no more relatives to help me, then id commit suicide because there would be nothing to live for. yes ive given it tohught, but im not going to do it for fun. im not emo like the rest of the people in this god damn world
SugarCult - Oct 31, 2006 - 10:59 AM
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I haven't yet. I've thought about what would my friends and family do if I died(like a carcrash or I get shot or smth like that). They'd probably be like: Oh somethings missing, can't remember, oh well... Maybe not my family but my friends. :/
meridiano - Oct 31, 2006 - 12:04 PM
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^Hey dont be so hard on yourself.. Truth is people outside the family dont trust you very much except if your lucky.. I have this thoughts all the time but when i think the good times with my friends i dont care too much if they abond me sometimes...
vicinity. - Oct 31, 2006 - 04:51 PM
Post subject:
SugarCult wrote:
I haven't yet. I've thought about what would my friends and family do if I died(like a carcrash or I get shot or smth like that). They'd probably be like: Oh somethings missing, can't remember, oh well... Maybe not my family but my friends. :/
dude im telling you. its not just your friends and family. People at your school, everybody you've ever met, distant family, friends of your friends, people on this board, AND your friends and family.
weird_anomalia - Oct 31, 2006 - 05:33 PM
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yeah.. there was moment in my life when I felt very very depressed, but I didn't thought anything about suicide,[ I was watching in a mirror and crying.. and I told to myself "stop that crying! everything gonna be Ok! you look so pathetic" and then I cried more, cuz I didn't wanted to be pathetic.. It was feeling that I can't explain.. I didn't wanted to felt that, but I just couln't contol my feelings.. ] cuz I knew that someday it just gonna stops and everything gonna be Ok.. nothing is endless..so pains iaren't endless.. it gonna stop someday.. everything what need is patience and awareness, that there's so many ppl around who really would care..
Hoffness - Oct 31, 2006 - 05:37 PM
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I've thought about suicide a lot lately. I don't really want to die, but everything feels empty and pointless. I atempted a couple times in the past and I felt this same way. (how depressing..)
Anyways, sorry for the whining, but I had to say it.
kromkakebil - Oct 31, 2006 - 06:37 PM
Post subject:
Think I'm gonna do it this weekend, I'm so tired of life. So much fucking CRAP.
weird_anomalia - Oct 31, 2006 - 06:50 PM
Post subject:
kromkakebil wrote:
Think I'm gonna do it this weekend, I'm so tired of life. So much fucking CRAP.
WHAT!!! 
don't do that!!!!!! I beg U!!!
Hoffness - Oct 31, 2006 - 07:40 PM
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I hope you're not completely serious about that.
I highly doubt your problems are bad enough that there's no possible way to fix them.
kromkakebil - Oct 31, 2006 - 08:09 PM
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Hm, lets see. My mom hanged herself a couple of years ago after 11 years of mental torture, my father does not talk to me, I don't have anyone I can trust, I don't have anyone to sit with at school, I'm not good at anything, I'm wierd, I'm ugly, I'm fat, .. nobody would care if I died. All I have left is music. I'm sad when I can't listen to music, I'm sad when I can't play my guitar. But I'm not talented at all, so what is the point? I hate my life, why continue live it?..
weird_anomalia - Oct 31, 2006 - 08:23 PM
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Omg!! PM me if U need a support.. I have pretty shitty life too ..
Fumo - Oct 31, 2006 - 08:30 PM
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Quote:
Think I'm gonna do it this weekend, I'm so tired of life. So much fucking CRAP.
I've noticed what you said too.
After editing:
Hey, always wanted to learn play a musical instrument (any kind), ok enough about me
From what you said I've understand that sometimes you feel not good at all. OK. I've noticed that there are some things quite interesting and enjoyable (like wisiting this site maybe ) that you are likely to do more often.
giggadee - Oct 31, 2006 - 08:33 PM
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If your really serious about this, i could talk to you kromkakebil. My best friend says i'm good at making people feel good about themselves. PM me if you feel like it.
bubble_rain - Nov 02, 2006 - 04:24 PM
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kromkakebil wrote:
Hm, lets see. My mom hanged herself a couple of years ago after 11 years of mental torture, my father does not talk to me, I don't have anyone I can trust, I don't have anyone to sit with at school, I'm not good at anything, I'm wierd, I'm ugly, I'm fat, .. nobody would care if I died. All I have left is music. I'm sad when I can't listen to music, I'm sad when I can't play my guitar. But I'm not talented at all, so what is the point? I hate my life, why continue live it?..
Snakk med meg hvis du vil, jeg er også norsk. Mora mi tok også selvmord.. Håper inderlig du ikke gjør noe dumt.
sable_anathema - Nov 02, 2006 - 04:35 PM
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I used to think about that too, i mean i think everyone has but few are the ones that do it. I remember i used to wish myself dead then i stopped when i had a close encounter with death, a car ran over me, and i remember myself getting hit, hitting the ground and rolling and i was thinking to myself that i didn't want to die, and if that was really happening to me, i don't believe in suicide it shouldn't be done and its just plain wrong i suggest you really think about it before anyone does it. I also believe there's a solution if you look hard enough. 
SystemofaDownisHot - Nov 05, 2006 - 04:47 PM
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Ok so um..... in another thread kromkakebil actually did commit suicide. This is horrible. We should have seen it coming, SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA DO IT. I feel awful. I should have gotten her phone number and talked to her. Made her stop. Oh. My. God. WTF PEOPLE. She wasn't joking.
O
M
G
Im... slightly crying right now -_-
i mean.. damn... that poor girl
and um.. for me.. im too scared of death, the unknown, to ever commit suicide, although sometimes I have wanted to end the pain-- I still have things to live for- i havent had sex yet, i havent gone to college yet (Almost), I cant die yet.
and again, Im so sorry to that girl. Rest in peace.
~*[claire]*~ - Nov 05, 2006 - 04:50 PM
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as some of you may or may not know, kromkakebil, who last said here that she wanted to kill herself, sadly, kept her promise. i dont know many details, all i know is that shes gone. this goes to show, that sometimes, pain is just too much for one person to handle... my thoughts are with her, wherever she is now.
RIP girl.
FGWB - Nov 05, 2006 - 05:12 PM
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I've thought about it. If I diddn't have music as a part of my life I wouldn't be typing this message right now.
~*[claire]*~ - Nov 05, 2006 - 05:55 PM
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what do you mean dude?
bubble_rain - Nov 05, 2006 - 08:45 PM
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SystemofaDownisHot wrote:
Ok so um..... in another thread kromkakebil actually did commit suicide. This is horrible. We should have seen it coming, SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA DO IT. I feel awful. I should have gotten her phone number and talked to her. Made her stop. Oh. My. God. WTF PEOPLE. She wasn't joking.
O
M
G
Im... slightly crying right now -_-
i mean.. damn... that poor girl
and um.. for me.. im too scared of death, the unknown, to ever commit suicide, although sometimes I have wanted to end the pain-- I still have things to live for- i havent had sex yet, i havent gone to college yet (Almost), I cant die yet.
and again, Im so sorry to that girl. Rest in peace.
I was getting to know her in real life, 'cause we lived not to far away from each other. Do you have any idea how much it hurts that I couldn't help her? She had my phone number, I told her to call me if she was getting depressed again.. And I sent her messages all of the time, so I'd be sure she was ok. But she still did it Now I feel so damn guilty, there was so much more I could've done for her..
I'm getting really depressed.. I feel like it's all my fault
animul - Nov 05, 2006 - 09:21 PM
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It's not your fault. You did what you could. When someone is that bound and determined to commit suicide, there's really not much you can do. They will follow throught with those plans.
And to anyone who thinks that suicide is a selfish thing to do, think about how selfish you're being for wanting to keep that person around when they are in that much pain. The pain that they are feeling may never go away, but the pain that they have caused you with their leaving will lessen over time.
bubble_rain - Nov 05, 2006 - 09:41 PM
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^I agree. It's not selfish to commit suicide, it's more selfish to expect a person to live for you only..
But I still think it's sad that she left us Hope she's in a better place now though..
reinayamaoka - Nov 05, 2006 - 10:17 PM
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i think almost everybody thinks about suicide even if they're not serious. like two years ago, when i was in 8th grade, me and my best friend kind of entered this wanting to die stage. i would kind of daydream about suicide and stuff but i just wasnt brave enuff to even begin to seriously do anything. we both finally got tired of always being sad and feeling like shit so we helped eachother to pull out of that horrible pit of depression. i'm a very happy person now, i'm barely ever sad. but i still do get depressed every now and then but it doesnt come very often. i guess that i've found a new appretiation for life.
onlysolution89 - Nov 07, 2006 - 03:36 AM
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she was just incredibly unlucky. she was born into a shit life, completely by chance, and the coincidences just kept on getting worse. everyone has some breaking point where they are determined to commit suicide. and unfortunately she reached hers.
although i do wonder why she announced it. most people who are planning to commit suicide keep it quiet
~*[claire]*~ - Nov 07, 2006 - 08:02 PM
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i always thought that too zane, but alas, this was one of those rare cases. i mean, its not like she left a goodbye or anything, she just said 'i cant take anymore...' poor thing.
J7O2E7Y - Nov 07, 2006 - 09:33 PM
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why would you want to kill yourself? feeling pain in life is better than feeling nothing in death... if a person who committed suicide could be given a choice to live again or stay dead, im pretty sure they'd want to come back. also, many people who have attempted suicide but did not die say they are glad they didn't. no matter how much pain a person feels, i believe there is always a way to fix it.
cozmachina - Nov 08, 2006 - 03:06 AM
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no matter how much pain a person feels, it's up to that person to fix it.. find something within themselves and fix it. doesn't happen everytime. you can tell someone so many good things that you see about life, yourself, and things in them.. but it's also possible that they could never see what you see or feel what you feel.
Legalize_It - Nov 08, 2006 - 03:14 AM
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its proven that if the depression is bad enough for long enough, there may not be a cure for it. its due to certain chemicals released in the brain that the person does not have control over. you just have to try and make yourself a stronger person.
SystemofaDownisHot - Nov 08, 2006 - 04:03 AM
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Quote:
I'm getting really depressed.. I feel like it's all my fault
NO NO dont feel like that! Its NOT your fault! There was no way to know how to help her, you tried, you did your best. Its okay, she knows you tried too.
SimonleBon - Nov 08, 2006 - 09:01 PM
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Having suffered of a deep depression myself a few years ago, i know how troubled the vision can be. Comitting suicide seems like a relief at that moment, a solution to get rid of all suffering.
A lot of people think a depression doesn't hurt, but I can assure you it hurts like hell and because of the tension on your muscles it even can hurt physical (in my case pressure on nerves in my spine resulted in sort of electrical shocks in my legs/hip, which were very painfull).
Although I'm glad I didn't commit suicide I can understand someone who's depressed choosing death as a solution. As animul said it isn't a selfish thing to do. Anyone should live their lives for themselves, not live it because others want them to live. Depression is a disease of the mind, it can be treated with therapy (not the band) and sometimes with additional medication.
I came out a better person after my depression, but there were moments where I was standing with the rope in the attic, ready to hang myself. Too bad for you, you'll have to read me whining over here
Food (fruit) does also influance how you feel. Bananas and nuts are great 'uppers', same as chocolat. In the long run fruit and vegetables keep you happy. But now I'm sounding just like a teacher.....and I hate authority!
I would like to say that there's no one to blame for not helping kromkakebil. Her death is her choice, perhaps she couldn't live like she wanted to, but hopefully she died like she wanted to. I do respect and (partially) understand her choice. So anyone who feels guilty, don't (except the ones who mistreaded her). She's probably happier now, then she was living.
animul - Nov 09, 2006 - 06:55 AM
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Anyone that hasn't been in that situation has no clue as to what that person is thinking. I'm still dealing with depression, it may be a life long thing for myself, but I have learned to deal with it. I take it has part of my personality, we all can't be happy-go-lucky.
Thank god someone was there to help out when I had hit bottom. They were able to get e the help I needed, even though I adamantly refused and was forced to go, I thank god they were able to do so. Otherwise I would have missed out on so much that has happened since then. But has I have said before, I would never think of anyone as selfish for making the choice to go ahead go through with their plans.
SimonleBon - Nov 09, 2006 - 11:00 AM
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Besides therapy, i did get medication (seroxat, deroxat, oxapam) but my doctor put up a schedule to slowly stop. I didn't like using the medicins because they sort of smuthered my thinking, but you can't do a cold turkey with the A.D.'s .
In my case the cause of my depression (several traumatic experiences) was known. Treatment was effective.2 converstions a week with my pschychologist which gave me practices (<-word?) and tools to analyze and bend my thoughts. It was combined with treatment (course) of my anxieties. It's almost 5 years now, had some minor dips, but now I have the ability to relativate my thoughts and experiences again, without to much effort.
During stressfull periods (work, relation, autumn/winter) I feel my tension level rise, I've developed a sense for it. Now I'm assertive enough to turn it around the other way.
I've a friend who suffers from depression, but with (little) medication, he's doing fine.
I hope this could be for the benefit of someone here....
Feel free to PM me.
Aloneinacrowd - Nov 13, 2006 - 05:06 AM
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yeah Ive tried. I still have stab scars in my stomach. I prolly will do it again soon too.
interno - Nov 13, 2006 - 02:09 PM
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Aloneinacrowd, please PM me if u need help. We don't want another SOADfan to die.
SimonleBon - Nov 13, 2006 - 07:45 PM
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Aloneinacrowd (that's how I've felt for a long time btw) If your bothered by something/life, feel free to drop me a PM (or a message here).
I won't be judgemental, just a listening ear.
You can kill yourself later on if you want to, but first let the world know what she's missing.
mindprisoner - Dec 06, 2006 - 10:48 PM
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I came to fucking close to committing it and still have thoughts about it today. Fortunately It seems to be getting a little bit better.
mindprisoner - Dec 06, 2006 - 10:51 PM
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Aloneinacrowd wrote:
yeah Ive tried. I still have stab scars in my stomach. I prolly will do it again soon too.
Stay with the world as hard as you can and don't worry that your not alone in your thoughts, I've consider escape but hang on in hopes of my future.
Vicinity.of.Obscurity - Dec 07, 2006 - 03:34 AM
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I've had the thoughts lately, but I'd never do it. Too scared of what's beyond, if there even is anything...
giggadee - Dec 07, 2006 - 03:39 AM
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There is nothing beyond life, so I stay here to see what the hell is going to happen... And I wouldn't be able to inflict physical pain on myself... and maybe there is something beyond... who knows? I sure don't...
onlysolution89 - Dec 07, 2006 - 03:45 AM
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i cant say i've never considered it, but when i think about the good things i live with it becomes impossible to bring myself to think about it seriously.
Crutchy - Dec 07, 2006 - 05:30 AM
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I've thought about it once or twice but I'm to scared to actually do it. And like onlysolution said, when I want to do it, I remember all the good things in life, then the suicidal thoughts go away.
Queen_Eve - Dec 07, 2006 - 06:34 AM
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Attempted twice. Thought about it alot when I was at those points. Fairly stable now with some mild to moderate lows. Had enough therapy to counsel others and tell most quack psychiatrists whats going on with me better than they can.
loren - Dec 07, 2006 - 06:04 PM
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attempted once.. and was all that worth because i look back on it now and think that was a stooopid reason to wanta leave this world over... but now when i feel sucudial it's because i'm overwelled with everything that's going on in my life....
Queen_Eve - Dec 07, 2006 - 09:44 PM
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I have figured out that some people who want to die dont really want to die. They just want the world to stop. They want to get away from the world and the problems and the persecution and the unhappiness and their escape mechanisms have stopped working so they start to think the only other way to escape is to be dead. The other kind involves psychotic thought patterns. You want to die because you think it will accomplish something important... aside from your own escape.
Been there. Done that.
Ive experienced both kinds of suicidal thoughts. One at each attempt. I dont feel suicidal now, but I do know that if I ever do... I wont make a 3rd failed attempt.
sorifes - Dec 07, 2006 - 10:48 PM
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I had a lot of suicidal thoughts from about 15 to 19 and I had attempted it once. I'm glad every day that I see my daughter that I hadn't done it. It really didn't help that I lived with a dickhead who put my self esteem down (not my parents). The way I see it teenagers have a higher suicidal rate for what ever reason then adults do and most teenagers get over it once they 'grow up'. I know I did and I'm glad for it. I'm horribly optimistic so it really helps that not thinking about death thing. Right now if I died, I'd die by someone else's hand and I'm pretty well covered if I die as is my daughter so I guess I'm not so frightened when it happens.
Queen_Eve - Dec 08, 2006 - 11:26 AM
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I agree. Most teenagers who experience suicidal t